Escaping the Trap of Comparison Games

Growing up in India, there was always a comparison game. Every kid was given a "rank" at class. If there were 32 students, then there would be 32 ranks from 1 to 32, based on the scores in the individual tests. Every kid would hear their parents asking why he or she wasn't getting the first rank. The point of reference was always the kid who got the first rank.

It is said that Olympic silver medalists are some of the saddest people coming out of Olympics because they missed the Gold. According to Dr. Laurie Santos from The Happiness Lab, research has shown that silver medalists even have a shorter lifespan than gold medalists and also bronze medalists. The regret of missing the gold keep gnawing at the heart of the silver medalists. Their problem is they use the gold medalist as their point of reference.

Happiness Lab interviewed Michelle Quan, a silver medalist in the Olympic who bucks the silver medalist' regret trap. When she is asked how she has such a positive attitude she says that a key contributing factor that helped her to not make the Gold medalist as her reference point was an injury. She had her toe bone broken a 4 months before the Olympic. And thought she wouldn't be able to compete. But she made it through. This injury helped Michelle Quan, not lose her happiness by making the gold medalist as her point of happiness.

We all have a gold medalist equivalent in our own life - may be someone who has a better job or better house or better vacations. How can we not make that person the point of reference?

Matthew Mcaunghey was once asked who his hero was. He said his hero was his future self 10 years in the future. This is the individualist way of thinking about solving this problem of other centered reference points. Anytime we try to set goals for us to achieve, we run into two problems. One, we feel like our present self is somehow not enough or lacking. Two, if we don't achieve the future self, then we are liable to feel despair.

From a Christian standpoint, what we see here is that we all need to keep Jesus as our reference point. If we don't have a good enough car, or a good enough job etc. It is easy to covet what others have. How can we have Jesus as our reference point. Paul gives the answer in Hebrews 12:1&2 - by keeping our eyes on Jesus.

In Hebrew 12:1&2 Paul says, "let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." When we have Jesus as our reference point, then we will not be bothered by what others have or don't have in comparison to us.

Playing comparison games with other centered reference points can easily lead to sin. It can lead to sin of self-hatred or pride. In the Happiness Lab interview Dr. Laurie Santos says, that bronze medalists are happier than silver medalists because their point of reference is the one who came fourth. The silver medalist can suffer from self-hatred, then the bronze medalist may have to deal with pride. Neither of which is the free life. What we need is freedom of love of Jesus.

When I look at my life back when I was a kid at school in India, there was a person who consistently took the #1 rank in our school. I believe that person is a physician in India. I never got #1 rank. I lived into the freedom of the love of God. I did not need to have compulsive goals to achieve. I got to explore the dynamics and the quirks of how God had made in, this has helped me to try my hand in a how range of things from Engineering to Software Project Management to being a Pastor, not to mention my rather rambling attempts at writing. When I make Jesus my reference point, I don't have to have compulsive or comparative reference points as a measure of my self. I can rest in the love of Jesus, and explore life, living to the fullest in freedom.

The first step in avoiding the trap of comparison games, to live into the freedom that Jesus offers is to make Jesus our reference point by keeping our eyes on Jesus. St. Teresa of Avila said prayer is us looking at God gazing lovingly at us. If we are able to behold the love of God in Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit, we will not be tempted to look for validation from other centered reference points.