Christmas with the Van Zants - An Experience of Unconditional Love
I usually go to Church on Christmas Eve, and love singing Christmas songs, but sitting alone by myself, in the midst of families, I experience what is called the 'outsider archetype'. In an article 'Depression During Holidays', in Psychology Today the Dr. Elaine N. Aron explains the 'outsider archetype' this way...
"The shadow side of this period of light and hope is darkness and despair, and many people fall into darkness at this time of year. They feel left out. Deep depression, the kind that goes on day after day or leads to suicidal thoughts, is complex and needs to be treated carefully and from every angle. ... is the problem of becoming identified with the archetype of the 'Outsider'. There is nothing bleaker, or more dangerous to survival, than being alone in the cold, physically or emotionally hungry, left out, while others are gathered around the fire, sharing food and gifts and above all, love."
Wanting to commit suicide is an extreme case of the outsider archetype, not every outsider feels that way. But having spent the past 4 Christmases by myself sitting at my home alone on Christmas Day, I can see where Dr. Aron was coming from. In fact, as much as I love the Christmas season, owing to my self-identification with the 'outsider archetype', a part of me had also begun to dread it... of spending the 5th Christmas in a row alone by myself.
Thankfully, this Christmas wasn't to be that way because my buddy Matt Van Zant invited me to spend this Christmas as an 'insider' in his family. I couldn't thank him enough for having invited me and alleviated me the pain of having to spend another Christmas Day all alone. What I found very interesting was that having been the 'outsider' for so long, the transition from the 'outsider' archetype to the 'insider' archetype actually takes some effort. It takes a deep understanding and acceptance of unconditional love to be able to make the transition.
Here is how the story goes... Matt picked me up from my place on Christmas Eve, we went to service with his Mom, Dad and two pretty sisters. Then we went to Benihanna, I was treated to a great dinner. We went to Matt's home and sat there talking and watching the program 'Christmas with the Mormon Tabernacles Choir'. Of course, we cracked a few jokes about Mormons, no offense, but who doesn't... As much as they are fodder for good jokes, Mormons are good singers. It is also one of the fastest growing religions, thanks to their procreative proclivities. Matt's Mom googled some theological differences between Mormonism and Christianity, and read it aloud. We talked about that for a while. It was a fun time. Then we called it a day.
I had a long sleep in the cozy guest bedroom. I woke up very late next morning had a great brunch with eggs and sausage and english biscuits and fruits and desert, prepared by Matt's Mom. Then it was time to open gifts under the tree. Back in India, we didn't have the opening of gifts tradition. Christmas there was very different (/emmanuelreagan/2009/12/christmas-in-india.html). So this opening gifts tradition, was new to me. It was great to see the love and affection with which each of them had gotten gifts for others. I was given a gift too. I was the only one there who did not have any any gift to give.
We chatted, played with the dogs... I went back to my bed to have a quick nap, which ended up becoming a 3 hour sleep. I woke up from the sleep and there was in my head, a nagging thought... From having great food, fellowship and gifts, I took so much from the table, but I nothing to 'bring to the table'. Being a 'works righteousness' guy, this was a bitter pill for me. I had been showered with so much love and affection, but I didn't know why I deserved it when I had nothing to give in return. Deep within, it even made me feel a little bit guilty.
Being an 'outsider' has one sent of psychological bad problems. But being an 'insider' has another set of good psychological problems to be solved. I had to find a resolution to the feeling of not knowing what made me worthy of love and affection, when I have nothing to give in return. Being an introverted HSP (High Sensitive Person), I am a little too in touch with the nuances of my feelings to not be bothered by them.
The dinner prepared by Matt's Mom on Christmas day was one of the best meals I had recently had. For dinner on Christmas Day, two friends of Matt's sister came to join us. They too were guys who were away from home experiencing lonely Christmases. As we sat at the table, Matt's Dad asked Matt to pray. I found the answer to my nagging question in Matt's prayer. Matt's prayer went something like this...
"Thank you Lord for bringing us together as one family in this table. Christmas is not about traditions, it is about celebrating the salvation that you have provided for us so that we can love each other as a family..."
I didn't hear the rest of the prayer, because in those few words, I found the answer to the question that was nagging me. My question was, 'What did I do that makes me deserving of such unconditional love? What do I have to bring to the table to make myself worthy of such love?' The answer is, I did not have to do anything, Christ did all that needed to be done on the Cross. I was unconditionally loved by the Van Zants not because I did (or could do) something to deserve it, but because they believed in the unconditional love of Jesus Christ which made them love me unconditionally and invite me to be an 'insider' their family.
The basis for love is not what one has done to be worthy of love, but what Christ has done on the Cross. Only a love that is inspired by the love of Christ can be truly unconditional. The love I experienced with the Van Zants was this Christ-inspired-unconditional-love. So I could REST in what Christ has 'brought to the table' instead of being hung-up over what I couldn't bring to the table to be worthy of being the 'insider'.
In a sense THIS is what Christmas is about, we are ALL born 'outsiders' to God's family. Left to ourselves, we'll die. Christ had to show us conditional love to make us 'insiders' into His family. Making the transition from the 'outsider' to the 'insider' requires of us an acceptance this unconditional love of Christ. For some of us because of our life experiences this transition from the outsider archetype to the insider archetype takes some time, the likes of the Van Zants make such a transition easier.
As I noted earlier, I couldn't thank my buddy Matt enough for making this Christmas special by inviting me to be an 'insider' in his family. Christians will spend an Eternity thanking and worshiping God for making us all insiders in His Family. Everyday in Heaven would be such a Christmas day. Our Christmases here are just a foretaste of the overflowing experience of unconditional love that is to come! After 4 years of lonely Christmases, my Christmas with the Van Zants has been one such experience of unconditional love!
"The shadow side of this period of light and hope is darkness and despair, and many people fall into darkness at this time of year. They feel left out. Deep depression, the kind that goes on day after day or leads to suicidal thoughts, is complex and needs to be treated carefully and from every angle. ... is the problem of becoming identified with the archetype of the 'Outsider'. There is nothing bleaker, or more dangerous to survival, than being alone in the cold, physically or emotionally hungry, left out, while others are gathered around the fire, sharing food and gifts and above all, love."
Wanting to commit suicide is an extreme case of the outsider archetype, not every outsider feels that way. But having spent the past 4 Christmases by myself sitting at my home alone on Christmas Day, I can see where Dr. Aron was coming from. In fact, as much as I love the Christmas season, owing to my self-identification with the 'outsider archetype', a part of me had also begun to dread it... of spending the 5th Christmas in a row alone by myself.
Thankfully, this Christmas wasn't to be that way because my buddy Matt Van Zant invited me to spend this Christmas as an 'insider' in his family. I couldn't thank him enough for having invited me and alleviated me the pain of having to spend another Christmas Day all alone. What I found very interesting was that having been the 'outsider' for so long, the transition from the 'outsider' archetype to the 'insider' archetype actually takes some effort. It takes a deep understanding and acceptance of unconditional love to be able to make the transition.
Here is how the story goes... Matt picked me up from my place on Christmas Eve, we went to service with his Mom, Dad and two pretty sisters. Then we went to Benihanna, I was treated to a great dinner. We went to Matt's home and sat there talking and watching the program 'Christmas with the Mormon Tabernacles Choir'. Of course, we cracked a few jokes about Mormons, no offense, but who doesn't... As much as they are fodder for good jokes, Mormons are good singers. It is also one of the fastest growing religions, thanks to their procreative proclivities. Matt's Mom googled some theological differences between Mormonism and Christianity, and read it aloud. We talked about that for a while. It was a fun time. Then we called it a day.
I had a long sleep in the cozy guest bedroom. I woke up very late next morning had a great brunch with eggs and sausage and english biscuits and fruits and desert, prepared by Matt's Mom. Then it was time to open gifts under the tree. Back in India, we didn't have the opening of gifts tradition. Christmas there was very different (/emmanuelreagan/2009/12/christmas-in-india.html). So this opening gifts tradition, was new to me. It was great to see the love and affection with which each of them had gotten gifts for others. I was given a gift too. I was the only one there who did not have any any gift to give.
We chatted, played with the dogs... I went back to my bed to have a quick nap, which ended up becoming a 3 hour sleep. I woke up from the sleep and there was in my head, a nagging thought... From having great food, fellowship and gifts, I took so much from the table, but I nothing to 'bring to the table'. Being a 'works righteousness' guy, this was a bitter pill for me. I had been showered with so much love and affection, but I didn't know why I deserved it when I had nothing to give in return. Deep within, it even made me feel a little bit guilty.
Being an 'outsider' has one sent of psychological bad problems. But being an 'insider' has another set of good psychological problems to be solved. I had to find a resolution to the feeling of not knowing what made me worthy of love and affection, when I have nothing to give in return. Being an introverted HSP (High Sensitive Person), I am a little too in touch with the nuances of my feelings to not be bothered by them.
The dinner prepared by Matt's Mom on Christmas day was one of the best meals I had recently had. For dinner on Christmas Day, two friends of Matt's sister came to join us. They too were guys who were away from home experiencing lonely Christmases. As we sat at the table, Matt's Dad asked Matt to pray. I found the answer to my nagging question in Matt's prayer. Matt's prayer went something like this...
"Thank you Lord for bringing us together as one family in this table. Christmas is not about traditions, it is about celebrating the salvation that you have provided for us so that we can love each other as a family..."
I didn't hear the rest of the prayer, because in those few words, I found the answer to the question that was nagging me. My question was, 'What did I do that makes me deserving of such unconditional love? What do I have to bring to the table to make myself worthy of such love?' The answer is, I did not have to do anything, Christ did all that needed to be done on the Cross. I was unconditionally loved by the Van Zants not because I did (or could do) something to deserve it, but because they believed in the unconditional love of Jesus Christ which made them love me unconditionally and invite me to be an 'insider' their family.
The basis for love is not what one has done to be worthy of love, but what Christ has done on the Cross. Only a love that is inspired by the love of Christ can be truly unconditional. The love I experienced with the Van Zants was this Christ-inspired-unconditional-love. So I could REST in what Christ has 'brought to the table' instead of being hung-up over what I couldn't bring to the table to be worthy of being the 'insider'.
In a sense THIS is what Christmas is about, we are ALL born 'outsiders' to God's family. Left to ourselves, we'll die. Christ had to show us conditional love to make us 'insiders' into His family. Making the transition from the 'outsider' to the 'insider' requires of us an acceptance this unconditional love of Christ. For some of us because of our life experiences this transition from the outsider archetype to the insider archetype takes some time, the likes of the Van Zants make such a transition easier.
As I noted earlier, I couldn't thank my buddy Matt enough for making this Christmas special by inviting me to be an 'insider' in his family. Christians will spend an Eternity thanking and worshiping God for making us all insiders in His Family. Everyday in Heaven would be such a Christmas day. Our Christmases here are just a foretaste of the overflowing experience of unconditional love that is to come! After 4 years of lonely Christmases, my Christmas with the Van Zants has been one such experience of unconditional love!